There are a thousand quips about wanting to stop time.....freeze it as a picture in your mind. Sometimes I feel the need for this. To make each moment more like glue.....to just be stuck. There are days that I feel life speeding past me without the slightest chance to even acknowledge what is happening around me. The fateful saying, to stop and smell the roses.
In practicing ChiRunning I am trying to be more conscious of slowing myself down. To look at the scenery as I run, instead of the road. (Which, by the way, Dad has been telling me to do....for YEARS!) Not only to interpret these principles or "focuses" into running, but life as well. I know well enough to be thankful that I can run. period. end. But I need to let this spill over into life. I should be thankful for my job. My career. And even the dreaded orthopedic patient.....is better than no patient at all. I step into a role every day at work and sometimes wish I could strip myself of that role. Be myself. Tell a patient to 'suck it up'. Tell them the sad stories I see in other patients. Remind them that they woke up today, which means things cannot be THAT bad. Then again.....maybe not. Maybe it is my burden to carry these truths and keep it quiet, hoping the patient will figure it out on their own. Either way. I feel it draining me. Stripping away the me..... If I have given 110% of me to my patients each day....what do I have left?
Funny how life is. For some reason I had the idea it would get easier as I got older (and wiser, right?!?!?). But it seems as though it actually gets harder. More layers. More decisions. If only I could be like Jenny in Forrest Gump "Dear lord, make me a bird....so I could fly. Far, far away from here". Today I had to talk with a family about placing their Father/Husband in a care facility and the gravity of what I do hit me. Truthfully, this task should not fall on my back. Our medical system is broken, and it is heart breaking. This represents the 3rd time I have had to have this discussion.....and it does not get any easier. I guess those are the times I do want glue. I do not want to be stuck in the moment. I want to walk away from work and forget. Put those emotions away. Stop being a "Dr" and and move on to be a wife/daughter/sister/friend.....
Anaconda?
4 months ago
2 comments:
Jason and I make it a conscious effort to view the beauty that is around us. Living in Washington makes it that much easier... but every night we watch the sunset together, our apartment windows look to the north east, but the reflecting sunlight glimmers across the tall trees and hills we over look. The clouds always change into a kaleidoscope of colors - pink, red, orange, purple, blues and shift every few minutes with the clouds. We may not soley just gaze out the window, but each night we do make it a point to point out our favorite time at dusk.
Life is like that. Even when things seem bleak and never ending, you can always find that glimmer of beauty and love. And as much as it pains you to have such life changing discussions, in the end, you are going to be that families glimmer of a caring and compassionate being in their life. It's such a challenge to find a way to detach yourself from your work, because as with many, our work is our passion... Keep your head up, and realize you are not carrying a burdon for your patients and their families, you are their guide and helping them see a clearer future. you are an enlightener in an otherwise scary world.
Off note here... I saw on Mary Ritters facebook that you are interested in Children's Seattle? Hmm?? :D
I think that you do care makes you soul more special. It's people like YOU that DO CARE that make great Dr's. xxoo
Post a Comment