Why I Do What I Do

There are patients whom I will never forget.

Stories that cut so deep, straight to my core.

There is a spot in my heart occupied by singular stories.

Girls, boys, men, women, families, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters.

I want to share a link to read about a little girl

A family more giving and stronger than many I've met.

Please take a moment and read about Aviana.....

Redemption

A few weeks back I experienced a career first. I was 'fired' by a patient. We PT's refer to a patient leaving you for another PT as being 'fired', half jokingly and half painfully. Generally we all know as medical providers, we cannot make everyone happy and not all personalities jive.

This situation involved a 5 month old baby boy whom I enjoyed working with, but as I said...his Mommy 'fired' me and switched to another therapist. I spoke with this other therapist about the baby and his Mommy just to let her know what I had been doing, etc. She was sympathetic to my emotions as I felt quite bad that I had not provided what she had hoped for her child.

After several discussions with my pediatric mentor PT I was feeling a bit better. She reassured me I had given the right treatment and encouraged me not to take it personally. The weeks have passed and my ego is healed(ing) and this morning came an interesting surprise. My manager stopped by to offer me a bag of clothing. He reported it was left with a former co-worker of mine in Lincoln who is treating the above mentioned Mommy. The Mommy had left a bag of maternity clothing with her.....for me. I nearly fell out of my chair. I couldn't help but smile and was quite moved by this random act of kindness. I think I will send a note thanking the Mommy for her generous offering and I will (personally) take it as a peace offering. Maybe, just maybe after all I wasn't horribly wrong and am not the horrible PT I thought I was when this occured.

I am certainly not one for revenge but this little bit of redemption sure brightened my day.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

This week marks my much anticipated (and many times delayed) move to Kaiser's main hospital setting in Roseville. It came after nearly 5 years at the Lincoln offices with the same staff. It was certainly hard to leave and packing up was bittersweet. The move officially took me one trip (thanks to Kaiser couriers for delivering everything else) and one car load complete with walkers, canes, crutches, hula hoops and the like.

My new setting has me with a neurologic gym all to myself. Many aren't sure exactly what I do, so here are some photographic depictions of who I work with:

Pediatric patients with diagnosis such as: torticollis, cerebral palsy, developmental delay, toe walking, traumatic brain injury, stroke, spina bifida

Adult patients- stroke, spinal cord injury, traumatic brain injury, Parkinson's Disease, multiple sclerosis, amputees

One goal of the move is to allow my to better utilize my Neurologic Clinical Specialty and focus in on pediatric and adult neuro only. Being in a larger service area now should make that task more realistic.

At any rate, I am getting settled in and getting used to the increase from 2.5 mile drive to work to 10 miles....I really cannot complain.

Being at the hospital will also hopefully allow me to spend some time in the NICU and doing some more training for pediatric specialties.

Happenings

This past Saturday I got to spend Mom's birthday with her. We had long planned to go to Wicked and we finally had the chance for a perfect day in the city.

We have seen several musicals together....but this....was nothing short of amazing. We both loved it and will never be able to look at The Wizard of Oz the same again!

In running news.....

I officially started my training plan for the 50K in November. So far....so good, with my first weekend double under my belt I am sore....but loving that I am back out there!

I also decided to do this:

It actually works out pretty well with my training plan, and my two UltraRunner mentors encouraged me.....ensuring me this was a great idea to make sure my legs are exhausted.

My in-laws and uncle in-law will be participating in their first events at this race as they both attempt the 1/2 marathon! It will be pretty amazing sharing the course with them and it will be a race to see who finishes first!

In work news....

I am pleased to share that Chris has taken a position working at the Metro administrative offices on a special project. He is taking on the day shift and working side by side with the Fire Chief. This is a whole new world for both of us as his schedule has never involved being home every night since we've been dating/married.

We are fairly certain it will confuse Bella like crazy!

One reason why I run....

Meet one of my little angels.

This is a patient I have seen over the past year. She recently promoted from middle school and just started high school this week. When we first met she was in a power wheelchair. She could not take a step on her own and sat without muscle tone in her chair. We spent countless sessions working on her strengthening and finally walking.

I had to share this video of her as many people ask me how I do what I do.....or why I run.....

You Be The Judge

I've gone round and round in my mind with this one.

The story has become public knowledge and has been all over the local papers and news reports.

For so long I could not share the website for friends and family to donate to, for so long I have had to talk to others about "this one patient". However, now the story is all over the place.

This is the story I came to know, the family I came to know.

But now....

This is when the story first broke and this is the subsequent report.

I guess the thing about this, for me, revolves around trust, respect and integrity. Am I a poor judge of character? Over the years I have had to realize the picture I painted of a person was ever so wrong. I guess it is a natural part of life.

Although I try not to think about it, I do have so many questions and thoughts. I don't know. I've always been a strong believer in the idea of "to each their own". However, knowing the children, knowing the amount of fundraising, charity donations, equipment they have been gifted....aye. I'm torn.

Alas, I'll share the links and let each of you be the judge.

Riddle me this

For over a year I have poured my ♥ into a particular patient. I know the entire family, extended family, family from out of town. I've faught tirelessly to get this patient expensive equipment and manipulated my schedule for them. When they've cancelled or been in the hospital I have called personally to make sure all was ok. I have actually thought about this case away from work. I have felt worry about the way this patient was hurt.

Fast forward to this morning.

I bust my a$$ on a 12-mile run.

Often I think of this patient as he will never walk again, yet I CAN run....so I do not give up.

After getting ready for the morning I stand happily at the kitchen counter and prepare to have breakfast when...

BAM.

Front page of the paper is his story.

How he and his wife have lied about how and why he was injured.

They lied and tried to collect millions from worker's compensation.

They are now facing charges of fraud and their mugshots grimaced at me from the paper.

I'm so sad.

Maybe my job sets me up for this. Maybe how I was raised makes this hard for me.

I am not sure.

I question treating everyone as decent human beings, now I wonder about intent.

I suppose one important lesson Mom & Dad taught me was this:

It's what you learn from the situation that dictates if it was a success or failure.

I'm still trying to decide which way to go.

Disappointment

The system is broken. Day after day I am fighting against the medical system. I am trying to get basic needs covered for those who need it most....and I cannot.

The system is failing people on a daily basis.

I could tell you stories to break your heart.

I don't have the answers, but heaven forbid any of us well being people need help.....this sytem will turn its back on you. It WILL fail you. If ever a time comes where medical decisions need to be made....PLEASE....find someone who knows the system who can help you. Someone who knows enough to light the darkness of navigating the system. It is not one health care system or another, it is everywhere. My heart breaks a little every day, my passion for what I do is challenged and I grow more and more jaded.

They say ignorance is bliss.....I am beginning to wish I could turn back time and NOT be aware of the things I am. I wish I could turn my back like so many have.....but I can't.

I hate to post such a downer blog, but the past week or so has been exceptionally hard as I fight my own demons....and fight the system.

....A person can only take so much....

Glue

There are a thousand quips about wanting to stop time.....freeze it as a picture in your mind. Sometimes I feel the need for this. To make each moment more like glue.....to just be stuck. There are days that I feel life speeding past me without the slightest chance to even acknowledge what is happening around me. The fateful saying, to stop and smell the roses.

In practicing ChiRunning I am trying to be more conscious of slowing myself down. To look at the scenery as I run, instead of the road. (Which, by the way, Dad has been telling me to do....for YEARS!) Not only to interpret these principles or "focuses" into running, but life as well. I know well enough to be thankful that I can run. period. end. But I need to let this spill over into life. I should be thankful for my job. My career. And even the dreaded orthopedic patient.....is better than no patient at all. I step into a role every day at work and sometimes wish I could strip myself of that role. Be myself. Tell a patient to 'suck it up'. Tell them the sad stories I see in other patients. Remind them that they woke up today, which means things cannot be THAT bad. Then again.....maybe not. Maybe it is my burden to carry these truths and keep it quiet, hoping the patient will figure it out on their own. Either way. I feel it draining me. Stripping away the me..... If I have given 110% of me to my patients each day....what do I have left?

Funny how life is. For some reason I had the idea it would get easier as I got older (and wiser, right?!?!?). But it seems as though it actually gets harder. More layers. More decisions. If only I could be like Jenny in Forrest Gump "Dear lord, make me a bird....so I could fly. Far, far away from here". Today I had to talk with a family about placing their Father/Husband in a care facility and the gravity of what I do hit me. Truthfully, this task should not fall on my back. Our medical system is broken, and it is heart breaking. This represents the 3rd time I have had to have this discussion.....and it does not get any easier. I guess those are the times I do want glue. I do not want to be stuck in the moment. I want to walk away from work and forget. Put those emotions away. Stop being a "Dr" and and move on to be a wife/daughter/sister/friend.....

Inspiration

I've been quiet from my blogging lately. I think I am "un-inspired".....maybe that is why I have not been blogging.

At any rate, I had the pleasure of meeting a man last week who is 52 years old and an alcoholic. The man drinks 1-1.5 pints of Bourbon and about a 6 pack of beer per day. His alcoholism is so bad that it has progressively attacked his cerebellum and he has "drunk walk" and "drunk talk" at all times. He continues to drink despite neurologists telling him that his condition is alcohol induced. He was even a few drinks in when I saw him. He and his wife came in two weeks ago. You could see the fatigue, the worry on her face. He himself had matte colored skin, dry....dark eyes, his face heavy with burden. She herself is in AA and trying to "stay straight" from drinking. 7 nights per week she has to leave her husband at home alone so she can attend meetings. She worries the entire time and has constant concern if she will find him in a puddle of blood having fallen. This man was in a wheelchair and to watch him stand and try to test his balance was a joke. He was all over the place. I spent more time talking about options for a raised toilet seat, shower bench and other equipment needs than talking PT. I made mention to him that I had other patients like him, who improved when they were not drinking. I felt like I was on "Intervention" on A&E.

Today he returned.

He WALKED in, albeit with a walker.....and looked like a whole new man. He made eye contact with me, he smiled, he had a sparkle in his eyes. He sat in my treatment room and confessed "I haven't had a drink in 9 days. You were my inspiration".

I felt amazing, but a heaviness too. I did my best during treatment to "keep it together" but found myself needing a 'time-out' after they left. I hope he continues.....but I felt so cautious in how I spoke, what I said in hopes that nothing I said or did would take away his feeling that I was his inspiration.

Somewhere in my mind I have to come to terms with the idea that some of my patients may use me in this way, as inspiration. It's entirely terrifying and heavy.....but incredibly rewarding as well.....

Maybe this will help me to find my inspiration and become re-inspired myself.

I'm a slacker.

It's been too long since my last post. Chris has been working crazy amounts of OT, so I have been a bit ho-hum in general. I've been lucky enough to spend a lot of quality time with Kristi and just this weekend spent some time with Ma & Pa too.

This week marked the official start of my quest to become a "Marathon Maniac". I first found out about this group while running the Seattle Marathon and felt a wee bit envious of the elusive yellow singlets they wear. So, I decided I will try to join....albeit at the "easiest" level.

My initiation: run 2 marathon's in back to back weekends.

This September 27th I will run the Lake Tahoe Marathon and a mere 7 days later on October 4th I will run the Cowtown Marathon here in Sacramento. It should be interesting if nothing else. My training routine is daunting as my mileage is ramped up compared to any other training I have done. I end up topping 50 miles per week. Hoping I can hang in and stay injury free (knock on wood).

Other than trying to plan out my training and keeping the house together with Chris gone I have not been up to much. Although, I did give a presentation to the Neurologist's here at Kaiser and am now responsible to put together a proposal for some of my ideas. We'll see where that takes me. I've got lots of creative ideas about this and personal things I want to do....let's hope I can muster the energy to do them all!

Consider this a test....

....apparently my video blog made my blog mad. So, I am posting a test just to see what happens....
I have been pretty bad about including anything about my life lately as it seems so inconsequential compared to what happens around the World.
At any rate, running has been ok. I am sticking with 5 miles 3 days a week and then a 6 or 7 miler the other 2 weekdays. I finally returned to double digit mileage Saturday morning with a 10 mile run with Chris up to Catta Verdera, which was pretty cool as it is where we were married. I am sure it is only in my head (at least I hope) but my runs since April 6....well they've been rough.
Work, things are happening....I'll just leave it at that. There may be developments on this front. The weird thing is that everyday for at least the next 2 months I wake up and wonder "Did I pass?". The test has been just over a month ago, and I am trying to stay positive, but boy did it kick me pretty hard in the you know what.

I think that is enough for now....let's hope this fulfills my blog's request for a 'normal' post....

This is what happens....

...after you take a test that kicks you square in the A$$.

Chris bought a Guitar Hero game and guitars for our Playstation 3 game console. I have not played video games in a LONG time. However, this one....is addicting! We played a few hours this weekend, and it is so much fun. It's funny to me that I think of it as working on my eye-hand coordination and "learning" to play an instrument as I have always wanted ;)

After the test I was a ball of goo. My head was pounding. Questions and answers and concerns of my performance have been eating my thoughts alive. Alas, it is over and now I wait.......

Spent a good amount of time outside tending to the much neglected yard....and dog :) Chris and I got to do our last long run before the 1/2 marathon next weekend....did a glorious 7 miles yesterday morning, it was SUCH a beautiful morning.

The Sound

Mom took this picture on our last trip to Washington. I often love looking at the beautiful place that I get to go visit to see my brother baby and friends. I can feel the sense of serenity around me as I look at it. I plan to keep this photo in mind for the next 2 days.

Tomorrow at this time I will be signing in to take my NCS exam. I am SO ready to have this over with, but of course have nerves, anxiety, etc. I am hoping for a peaceful day at work, a relaxing night and a smooth morning to send me off to take the test.

Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend.

I Will Get By

The word of the week:
Apprehensive
"Viewing the future with anxiety or alarm"

Sweaty palms, heavy breaths, distractibility. Only a handful of days until the culmination of all my training and studying......

These are the moments.....

....that fill your heart with such joy and hope. To all you out there who know him, check out Sebastian getting into his car! He was kind enough to drive out and meet my patient CR who is 16 and is a new patient with tetraplegia. He is one amazing guy and his injury has now almost been 2 years ago. Seeing him and spending time with him sure made me remember my days in Vallejo. I can say without a doubt I miss that place. Each and every day.


Here is J.S. my correctional officer who was shot and became a paraplegic. He just received his KAFO braces (they are under his pants) that allow him to stand. We are continuing to work on his balance and starting to teach him to "hop" and eventually I hope he can do so with a walker. I did take some heat yesterday from my manager for spending the health care money to get these for him. It hurt. I had to question myself with such a terrible state of the economy, did I make the right choice? The only way I can answer to myself is by acknowledging.....the day I tell a patient 'No' or 'You can't' is the day I stop doing what I do.

Somewhere over the rainbow

The hardest question I've ever had to answer....

.........came from the Mom of my 16-year-old patient with a recent spinal cord injury.......

"Take Kaiser out of the picture......."

"If she were YOUR child Erin, what would YOU do?"

The irony was that over the weekend I had thought a lot about C.R. I thought about why she can't roll in bed on her own and why she is having trouble transferring still. I wondered if I am asking too much of her, I wondered what I could do to help her more, or be more effective in working with her. I also thought to myself, what if I WAS her. Would I be content to not roll or transfer myself. I knew when I had these thoughts that I was going to have to push a little harder. Be a little more strict with her in sessions here in clinic.

And then yesterday that question came.

I already knew what I would do. I knew that I would push for PT as often as possible. I knew that I would push for maximizing her abilities in this ever important first year after the injury.
Of course.......the next questions was even worse.

"Then why can't you see her more"

I have struggled with this since starting here at Kaiser in outpatient neuro. The schedule is such that I dictate much of it, but not all. It has been an internal struggle all along in working here. I have had to fight tooth and nail to justify seeing patients who need it the most.

Sadly, there are times that I wish I didn't care.

I stayed at work last night 30 minutes after to get in more time with C.R. as she just got her manual wheelchair and really needed to figure it out. To think I couldn't even get her in for another week, it's just not right. I am throwing caution to the wind and I will see if anyone gives me any grief but I have scheduled her to see me 2 times per week for at least the next 6 weeks.

I have to.

There is no way I can look myself in the mirror knowing that she needs this and saying to myself that I will let "the man" or the system win.

No way.

What if life was fair?!?!?

I feel like I just got kicked in the stomach.

My Friday started good, a fairly quick 7 miles in a drizzling, refreshing rain. Chris left for a 72 this morning, but hey, at least it IS Friday after all.

An e-mail arrives when I sign in at work......

"Erin dear, I am so sorry to inform you that my Al passed away after complications with his chemotherapy. Thank you so very much for all your help & support... Al was a wonderful husband & friend and I will miss him so very much..."
Within the last few weeks I had set this patient and his wife up to get a special electric unit to help him walk, and now he is gone. This poor man had been through SO much.....transverse myelitis, a stroke and was battling Hodgkin's Lymphoma.....He was 65 years young.

I suppose it serves as that ever needed reminder that life is but a gift, each day our eyes spring open we are gifted with another chance to enjoy the world in which we live.