Wondering

We had our first counseling appointment last Friday evening.....
I was left a little confused, but figured we needed to lay the foundation before we could really "get into it".
As we walked away I could feel the sadness start to pour over me.  I didn't even make it 5 minutes out of the parking lot before the water works were in full effect.
I couldn't really pin point anything in particular that 'set me off'' but I went downhill fast.

I was upset that I wasn't able to ask things like....will I ever be able to look at a picture again? ....is the idea of watching my wedding video or one of the many videos of Harlow & Poppa ever going to not make me nauseous?    More than anything, are all these crazy, seemingly irrational thoughts and ideas ever going to make any sense or go away?

Yesterday I had to drive on a two lane road.  I know I have had anxiety in the past....but this was intense.  So, is this my new normal?  No two lane highways for me.  No seeing oncoming vehicles without a heavy weight on my chest not allowing me to breathe deep.  I drive, trying to avoid looking at other cars, afraid to spot the make and model of his car.

I visited Chris at the fire station yesterday and found my thoughts drifting back to childhood.  To family dinners at the station.  To sitting at his retirement board meeting.  To watching my Dad drive the big red truck out of the station as we all stood out and watched and waved.  It's all their, in my memories, the life we used to have.

Most days, though, I find that being back to work forces me into a survival mode.  To switching off all these emotions, thoughts, feelings.  They are not ok to have at work, and despite the few times I have closed my treatment room door to have a good cry.....I just trudge along.