The hardest question I've ever had to answer....

.........came from the Mom of my 16-year-old patient with a recent spinal cord injury.......

"Take Kaiser out of the picture......."

"If she were YOUR child Erin, what would YOU do?"

The irony was that over the weekend I had thought a lot about C.R. I thought about why she can't roll in bed on her own and why she is having trouble transferring still. I wondered if I am asking too much of her, I wondered what I could do to help her more, or be more effective in working with her. I also thought to myself, what if I WAS her. Would I be content to not roll or transfer myself. I knew when I had these thoughts that I was going to have to push a little harder. Be a little more strict with her in sessions here in clinic.

And then yesterday that question came.

I already knew what I would do. I knew that I would push for PT as often as possible. I knew that I would push for maximizing her abilities in this ever important first year after the injury.
Of course.......the next questions was even worse.

"Then why can't you see her more"

I have struggled with this since starting here at Kaiser in outpatient neuro. The schedule is such that I dictate much of it, but not all. It has been an internal struggle all along in working here. I have had to fight tooth and nail to justify seeing patients who need it the most.

Sadly, there are times that I wish I didn't care.

I stayed at work last night 30 minutes after to get in more time with C.R. as she just got her manual wheelchair and really needed to figure it out. To think I couldn't even get her in for another week, it's just not right. I am throwing caution to the wind and I will see if anyone gives me any grief but I have scheduled her to see me 2 times per week for at least the next 6 weeks.

I have to.

There is no way I can look myself in the mirror knowing that she needs this and saying to myself that I will let "the man" or the system win.

No way.