Hurt

Yes, it has been well over a year since my last post. No, I did not intend it to be this way. In reality, I find myself going to my blog becasue I am back to work today. I am back to work today after suffering what, in my estimation, is the greatest loss of my young life. July 21st Changed our family forever. I feel tingles throughout my body, a buzz if you will. I cannot even type the words. I have been, mostly, incapable of handling any details. Maybe this is the denial phase. Maybe this is just me trying to hide. If I don't say it, if I don't type it, if I don't hear details..... I was always the girl with deep feelings. Deep fears, deep emotions. As someone suggested to me, my family...we love hard, we love deep. When you love so deep and so hard, I find myself asking, is it worth it? Is it possible that the pain is so great, so raw, so debilitating that you refuse to feel again? I know we are not alone. I know others have been here. I know tragedy strikes all around us. Yet, all I can ask is why? All I can think is that I don't understand. It's not fair, it's not right, it's not ok. Some days my eyes are red. Most days there are still bags from the lack of sleep and crying. The numbness doesn't seem to want to fade. The fog won't lift. People keep commenting how my Brother and I were so brave and so strong and did a beautiful job. People say they left feeling like they knew him.... For a moment I can remember the stage, the blank faces, the lights, amazing grace, bag pipes. The next moment it is as though it never happened. I walk through the halls. I call back patients. I remember how things were just a mere 2 weeks ago. I worked, I went home, I shared dinner with my family, I put my baby girl to bed. I went to sleep I woke up to a phone call at 2:42 am Everything changed.