Vision

Science tells us that our vision is a representation of objects reflected onto the eye.  Science tells us that seeing is believing.  Science doesn't tell us how to interpret things we didn't see or that we don't see.

Lately, all I do is worry about losing my visions of Dad.  There are flashes of memories that will come into my mind.  At first, they seemed so strong.  Lately, it seems I have been losing them.  I have been reading that your brain will actually do this to lessen your pain.  It's as though your own subconscious mind knows that if you had to deal with it all it once, it would malfunction.

I wrote down several flashes the other night in my journal and it was therapeutic, yet devastating at the same time.  I figured, at the very least, if I write them down then re-read them sometime in the future it will ensure that I remember.  

Today I did, what might be considered a mistake for me.  I was emphatic about finding a particular video that Dad had taken of Harlow.  Early on during his time with her, he sat her on the kitchen counter in her Bumbo and did everything he could to make her laugh.  This video is the first time any of us had ever seen this little peanut belly laugh.  It was the cutest thing.  In my search for that particular video I stumbled on a few others.  I pressed play and watch my little girl interacting and laughing with her Poppa.  I actually nearly fell off my chair.  

I suddenly realized why my brain has not allowed me these things.....it HURT.  

As I watched and listened to her laughs....his excitement....and then there it was....his smile.....and the look in his eyes.  

My heart broke....again.

Here is the video of that first giggle he caught on camera...... 

And here is the video that truly brought me to my knees